Nice Girls Don't Bite

by Joan Sween

NiceWhen "Transylvania Nasty" collides with "Minnesota Nice" the outcome is hilarious. Erleen and Louise, antiques dealers from the land of Garrison Keillor, come back from a buying trip to Romania to discover they got more than they bargained for. "We can't be vampires! There's no such thing as vampires!" "I absolutely refuse to go all crazy and look mean and bite people!" "How are we supposed to put on makeup if we can't see ourselves in mirrors?" After the first shock, they begin to cope like sensible down-to-earth Minnesotans, vowing to lead normal lives, never reveal what they are, and never ever to bite anyone. Then they stumble onto a bank robbery, a murder, and a kidnapping. Attempting to free their kidnapped friends, they confront a Norwegian crime lord whose Colombian partners decide they are witches—"Brujas! Brujas! But after putting ineffectual bullets through the ladies, the Colombians change their minds—"Vampiro!" Reluctantly, Erleen and Louise realize they must behave like "real" vampires in order to put a stop to an international drug ring. Which they do—but without biting anyone.

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About the Author

For 11 years Joan has written humor columns for Minnesota’s state-wide antiques newspaper, The Old Times. Her books, Nice Girls Don’t Bite, Deathblow, and Dealer’s Choice can be found on Some of her 20 plays can be found at Eldridge Plays and Musicals. She is currently seeking a theatre that will produce her latest play, The First Woman, which deals with the defense of Mary Surratt, the first woman executed by the U.S. Government for her participation in the conspiracy to assassinate President Lincoln.